Get up on the horse and ride

Sitting cross-legged on the (mostly) vacuumed carpet, I find myself sorely disappointed in myself. I am far too undermotivated. I am far too good a debater than is good for me, and far too often talk myself out of nearly anything I'd like to do. Go for a walk? Ah, but it's gray and rainy and humid and... blah blah blah. What I need is a voice which overrides the negativity inside of me and pushes the positives to the forefront. I have typically waited for this voice to be external; a friend cheering me on, a lover kindly supporting me, a stranger commenting on their appreciation of something I have created or accomplished.

In a work environment it is easy for me to do this. It is easy to say "Ah, but this will be recognized in the end! This will have a positive outcome!". In the workplace I have the near-instant gratification of a superior telling me how good of a job I am doing. In the workplace there is someone who cares, who depends on me, and who gives me the affirmation I need to keep doing the same thing the next day. At home, in the car, in the city... I simply do not have that. And thus in lies the problem.

I must be self-motivated and self-affirming. God, doesn't that sound horribly boring? Depend on myself for something which feels better, tastes better, looks better coming from others? Deny myself the gluttonous pleasure of basking in praise coming from those around me? It's not as much as choice as I would like it to be. The bottom line is that, to my chagrin, I must be self-sufficient.

In a small way, I could make myself feel better in saying that as everyone is a part of the same universe, in a way my affirming myself others then affirm me... though, that is a far-fetched and clumsy grasp for a form of compensation I know I should not need.

"But they will all see how horribly I will fail! Those closest to me will note every vulnerability and weakness I have! What if the world does not approve- or worse- what if they don't even notice me?"

Those pesky insecurities...

Truth be told, I am all that keeps me from being and doing what I want to. I am the barrier between wanting and having. And it's about time I put all of these mental acrobatics to good use.